i wish i could say i didn’t wake up this morning thinking i’d wind up angrily waggling a blue silicone dildo at a condo security guard, but it was kind of on my agenda for the afternoon.

Shut the Front Desk

The story: when my wife was in the hospital a few weeks ago, the kids and i stayed at our friend Jessica’s condo. We went swimming. i left my swimming costume there. We’re due at a pool party this weekend, so i asked Jessica if she would leave the suit at the concierge desk in the lobby for me.

She obliged, but then inexplicably asked if she could seed the bag with one of her (well-washed) dildos. After thinking over the comic possibilities, i acquiesced.

i walked up to the security desk, delighted to see that middle aged, balding, portly Rod was on duty. Rod could take a joke. Here’s a transcript of how it went down:

Me: Hi, Rod! Jessica left something here for me. Suite [redacted].

Rod: Sure. i’ll go get it. (He walks around the desk to a room off the side of the lobby. He eventually returns with the paper bag and puts it on the desk.)

Me: Thanks! (rifling through the bag) Um, Rod … What is THIS?

(i pull out the floppy blue dildo like some unwholesome Excalibur)

Rod: (flushing with embarrassment) It’s a … well … you know. It looks like … one of THOSE.

Me: Yeah, i see that. What’s it doing in here?

Rod: i don’t know!

Me: Well… i mean, this isn’t what i was expecting, Rod.

Rod: i don’t know what to tell you! That’s what was in the bag!

Me: i was expecting a black one, Rod.

Rod: Y…

Me: A black one, not a blue one. A double-ender.

Rod: i don’t…

Me: What am i supposed to do with this?

Rod: i don’t know! i just started my shift 20 minutes ago!

Me: Well, did she leave any instructions with it? (rifling through the bag some more)

Rod: i don’t know!

Me: Well, that’s just great. She didn’t. What do i do with this, Rod? (waggling the floppy dildo accusingly at him)

Rod: i don’t KNOW!

Me: (still waggling) Well, what would YOU do with it?

Rod: ???!

Me: Could you maybe look for the other one for me?

Rod: Yeah, sure. (jumps up from the desk, beelines for the side room, eager to get out of there)

Me: It’s BLACK, rod. (describing it as he races around the desk and out of sight) Black! A double ender. About two feet long…

(He disappears into the side room. i laugh, for the first time since arriving. This is too amazing. i check my phone, which i had propped up on the desk to ensure that i was still taping. i thought i was. Alas, i wasn’t. Rod returns.)

Rod: No, it’s not there. (In a desperate effort to avoid me, he starts buzzing other people into the lobby)

Me: (raising my voice so that the people walking in and out of the lobby could hear) YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU CAN’T FIND A TWO FOOT BLACK DILDO THAT’S THICK AS A BABY’S ARM?

Rod: That’s what i’m telling you!! (He begins to break a sweat)

That’s when i finally crack a smile and let him off the hook.

Prank Debt

i hope you’re happy, Jess, you maniac. You owe Rod a big Christmas tip.

(But … you know. Just the tip.)