One afternoon, my mother dropped off a suitcase filled with stuff i created when i was in my early teens, from 1990 to 1994. This is something i found inside.

The Revelation of Randolph Diggs

AT RISE : The stage is blank, save for a notebook and pencil lying on the floor. Rand enters, stage right, with a pen in his ear.

Rand- I feel a poem coming on.
( He sits cross-legged on the stage and picks up the notebook )

I think a little free verse would suffice.

( He takes the pen from his ear and starts writing )

A Poem, by Randolph Xavier Diggs II, age seventeen and three quarters.

( He ponders it for a bit, then spots the pencil lying in front of him. He picks it up and eyes it for inspiration )

Ahem. A pencil – I see it there before me
Its painted surface chipped at one end
and letters etched in green
along one side…
I have chewed on it before,
my teeth have had the pleasure.

( Pause )

It does not know what life is all about.
It does not know its purpose.
It does not know that it may very well be
The smallest thing in the universe
to one who has the power to overlook it.
So why is it here? who
Had the sense of humour to create it
and let it live such a meaningless existence
in its own pencil way.
It means nothing.
It has nothing.
It will accomplish nothing
and as I write this poem,
Its pathetic existence is spinning away
the bottomless abyss of time.

( Pause )

So now comes the hour to pass judgement
on all others’ lives
and my own. How do I compare?

( He looks into a mimed mirror )

I look into the mirror and see …

( He stares for a very long time at his reflection )

And see … a pencil.

( Fade out. Music cue starts – “A Day in the Life” – as characters wake up in their respective bedrooms. Routine morning actions are repeated with apathy by each one – director’s call. Rand wakes up. )

Rand – Well, no more of it. Today will be the day to make some changes. I can’t go on living like some wart on somebody’s shady side. I’m a month away from graduating for St. Peter’s sake! I’m going to live the day no matter what it takes. I’m going to make these next twelve hours count.

( Fade out. Lights up on a table with four or five chairs around it. Stacy sits at the end of the table, furiously scratching something into a notebook, glancing up nervously from her textbook to the clock from time to time. Rob enters. left )

Rob – (Shyly) Um … excuse me?

( Stacy pays no attention and keeps writing )

Rob – `Scuse me, but is this where I’m `sposed to be? Are you Stacy Barnes?

( Stacy finally looks up from her work )

Stacy – Oh, yeah. You’re Roberta Kilner, right? Have a seat. You’re a little early. The other guys should be here sometime soon.

Rob – Oh, sorry. It’s just that I didn’t want to miss anything.

Stacy – ( Uninterested ) Hmmm…

Rob – ( timidly ) What are you working on?

Stacy – ( Preoccupied ) Oh, this? It’s a book of piano arrangements. Bach, mostly. I’m transposing everything into the key of G. I’ve got half the book to go.

Rob – Wow. You’re really into the music.

Stacy – Me? Heck, no. I’m not even taking music. I just needed something to do.

Rob – Oh. That must get tiring.

Stacy – I don’t notice. ( Looking up at her ) Look, if you have anything inportant to say to me, like something about this project that’s due in a few days, go on ahead. Otherwise, I’d appreciate it if you kept your little cutsey small talk and salutations to yourself. Alright?

Rob – ( Hurt ) Yeah, sorry. ( She sits down )

( Chuck enters )

Chuck – Alright, let’s get this show on the road.

Stacy – ( Looking up ) Right. I guess you’re probably ( Reading a list ) Mr. Charles Warren.

Chuck – That’s Chuck to you, darlin’.

Stacy – ( Coldly ) Well, Charles, ( Points to far chair ) You can just have a seat over there. We’re still waiting for someone.

Chuck – ( Looks unimpressed at the chair. ) That chair? All the way over there? What’s wrong with the one in front of me?

Stacy – Fine, have it your way.

Chuck – At’s more like it. ( Sits with his feet up on the table. ) Wake me up when this is over.

Stacy – Now if this slacker would just get here, we could start working.

Rob – Who are we waiting for, Miss?

Chuck – ( Sarcastically ) Yeah, who’s holdin’ up the party?

Stacy – ( Checking her list ) A Mr. Randolf Xavier Diggs II. Anybody know him?

Rob – Not me.

Chuck – Me neither. He sounds like a real gimp.

Stacy – Well, whoever or whatever he is, he had better get his act together. He’s half a minute late. I have half a mind to report him.

Chuck – ( Aside to Rob ) It’s a wonder that chick has half a mind at all.

Stacy – ( Checking her watch ) Well, I’m sick of waiting. Let’s just get started. As you know, we’ve been pulled from our classes and placed into commitees to accomplish various different tasks for the upcoming senior prom.

Rob – So what are we in charge of?

Stacy – THE most important duty – we are deciding the general theme for the gala.

Chuck – ( Exasperated sigh ) This is so lame !

Rob – Oh, I don’t know. It sounds sorta fun.

Chuck – Yeah, and I bet you watch championship bowling on Sundays, too.

Stacy – Why don’t you stay on task? It’s just a little tip from an A student to a … ( Looks him over ) … Well, we won’t get into that. ( Takes out some papers ) I’ve already prepared a list of …
( Rand yells from offstage )

Rand – Snazoom !!!

Stacy – What the heck was THAT?!

Chuck – Sound like a North American Gimp to me.

( Rand enters, wearing underwater goggles and a snorkel, carrying flippers under one arm )

Chuck – What’d I tell you? I’m a genius!

Stacy – Who are you?

Rand – ( Ignoring them, ‘swimming’ around the table ) No one of consequence, my good Lady. Just another fish in the sea. ( Spots Rob ) Ah, and I seem to have found a rare pearl in these dark waters. ( He takes Rob’s hand and gives it an eighteenth century kiss ) It is my great pleasure, Madam.

Rob – ( Bashfully ) Charmed, I’m sure.

Chuck – Yo, Casa Nova. What’s your name?

Rand – ( Turning to him ) Randolf Xavier Diggs II, at your service. ( Delivers a bow of chivalry )

Chuck – ( Apathetic ) Great. I wonder if he does pirhouettes?

Stacy – Where have you been, Mr. Diggs? We’ve been waiting for over two minutes.

Rand – I’ve been contemplating life. Oh, and please call me Rand.

Rob – So what did you conclude?

Rand – Oh, many things. Things you might want me to share with you. ( Smiles flirtatiously )

Rob – ( Realizes he’s coming on to her yet feels compelled to go along with him ) Oh, like what?

Stacy – I hate to break it up, but this isn’t a meet market.

Chuck – Yeah, go drool somewhere else, man.

( rand removed his goggles and sits down at the table )

Rand – So who are you fine people?

Rob – ( Eagerly ) Oh, this is Chuck, I’m Roberta… or Rob… whichever you prefer, and she’s Stacy.

Stacy – Ahem. As I was saying before this whole facade started… I have taken the liberty of preparing a list of every possible graduation theme I could come up with. You can just choose the best one and this whole thing will be over with.

Rand – ( Reading over the list ) Hmmmmm… Yellow and Green night. All participants must dress in either yellow and green or else they will be expelled from the ballroom. Inferior students night. All students with an eighty and below average must serve all other guests. Our Decaying Planet night. Films will be shown during the course of the evening such as “Cry of the Marsh” and “Bludgeoning Death of the Blue Whales”.

Chuck – ( Reading over his shoulder ) No Dancing night. Plant a Tree night. Dress as Your Favourite Politician Night. What IS this crap?

Stacy – Is something wrong?

Chuck – Yeah, there’s something wrong. All these themes are either morbid, militant or just plain stupid!

Rob – I have to admit, they ARE a bit much.

Stacy – Well then, what are we going to hand in? You’d better pick ONE of those.

Rand – Hey, Stacy. Don’t get angry. I just think that if we all put our heads together, we can come up with something really spectacular. Er… not that your ideas aren’t good or anything…

Chuck – They just really suck.

Rand – There’s no need for that. Now, does anyone have any ideas?

Rob – Um… yeah, I do. Remember last year when they did that Cloud 9 theme, and everybody wore little airplane pins and drank foamy cloud cocktails and…

Chuck – And sniffed airplane glue and got food poisoning from the punch…

Rob – They did not. Anyway, that was really cool.

Rand – Granted, but we can’t use that same theme.

Rob – Yeah, it’s a shame, isn’t it?

Stacy – What’s that?

Rob – Well, last year’s gone forever. Last year’s graduating students are out, and their prom is just a memory.

Chuck – A bad memory.

Rob – It just seems a waste that it’ll never happen again. It’s gone for good.

Stacy – Then that will be our theme.

Chuck – What?

Stacy – Time flies. The dance floor will be painted as a giant clock with little wings on it.

Chuck – Sounds alright to me.

Rob – Yeah, it’s good. It really makes you think.

Rand – Wait a second, guys…

Stacy – Well, our time is up. I gotta go. We’ll pick it up where we left off next time.

Chuck – I’m not complainin’.

( Chuck and Stacy exit )

Rob – ( Sweetly ) See ya’. … Hey, Rand? Why are you wearing scuba gear?

Rand – It’s an escape. This is the closest I can get to exploring the coral reef in Bermuda. It’s good to get out once in a while. You can live life in places other than where you live you know. You look as though you could do some living yourself.

Rob – Hmmm. I’ll see you around.

( She leaves Rand, who stands and adresses the audience )

Rand – These guys have a lot to learn. Roberta seems to be too caught up in memories to care about the present. Chuck doesn’t care about either the past OR present. And Stacy? She needs some friends other than her text books. What a crew. I’m glad I escaped my daily ruts soon enough to help them out. ( He lowers his goggles ) Meditterania, ho!

( Fade to black. Light up on Chuck, kneeling and stuffing books into his bag. He speaks to his friend, S.O.P.E., the Supreme Overlord of Practically Everything, performed as a cameo role by Nial Lancaster, my personal hero. )

S.O.P.E. – So what’d you do for that massive English project?

Chuck – What English project?

S.O.P.E. – What English project?! Gee, I don’t know… maybe it’s the independant study that counts for 40 percent of our term mark and is due tomorrow!!

Chuck – Oh.

S.O.P.E. – You mean you forgot about it?! Well what are you going to hand in?

Chuck – Nothing’. Can’t be bothered. Besides, I’vegot better things to do. The Wheel of Fortune Teen Challenge Competition is on toninght.

S.O.P.E. Man, I pity you. You’re the laziest guy I ever met. I’m gonna start calling you the Human Sloth.

Chuck – ( Looking offstage ) Oh, no. Here comes that Rudolph von Reindeer XIV. I better get out of here before he sees me.

S.O.P.E. – Who are you talking about?

Chuck – ( Pointing ) That guy over there.

S.O.P.E. – The guy jumping up and down, yelling “Snazoom?” ( Chuck nods ) He looks like a real gimp.

Chuck – He is… Aaargh! I made eye contact! He’s coming over.

S.O.P.E. – Well, I’ll see you around. ( Sort of runs to get out of the scene. Large standing ovation resounds throughout the auditorium as thousands of Nial Lancaster fans impatiently await the final bows with armfuls of loose change and valuable silks. )

( Chuck stands and mumbles expletives as Rand enters, holding a small yoghurt cup with a straw in it )

Rand – Hey, Chuck. Howya doin’?

Chuck – Just peachy. Goodbye.

Rand – Hey, hold on… you can stay and talk, can’t you?

Chuck – Actually, I was just on my way to… to…

Rand – To do what?

Chuck – To achieve world peace, alright?

Rand – Sounds great! So how’re we gonna do it?

Chuck – What?

Rand – How are you going to achieve world peace? Are you going to wear a toga like Ghandi or blow stuff up like Rambo or what?

Chuck – Let it be, alright? I was just making it up. I got nothin’ good to do, so just leave me alone.

Rand – Sure. Sorry. ( He sticks the straw up his nose )

Chuck – ( Shocked and disgusted at the immoral use of the world’s favourite dessert ) What are you doing?!

Rand – Snorting Jell-O. ( Offering the straw ) Want some?

Chuck – No! That’s disgusting! Why are you doing that?

Rand – Well you see, my friend, I wasn’t prepared to face death without doing a few things in life. I mean, how would I feel if I made it to the afterlife and suddenly said ( slaps forehead ) ” Oh, no! I’ve never snorted Jell-O! I was on that planet for decades and not ONCE did I ever snort Jell-O! ” You see? Now how would you feel?

Chuck – Thankful.

(note: the following chunk was redacted in my copy of the script)

Rand – Well, this is my philosophy… or one of them. Life is just a blip on the radar screen of time, and you need to pack a whole eon’s worth of stuff into it to be able to look back on everything and be satisfied with what you’ve done.

I happen to know a lot of dead people who are kicking themselves now because they never went hangliding or they never made it to Disney World or they never started a chicken farm in Idaho or whatever. So tell me, Chuck, is there some void in your life that you’ve always wanted to fill but never really found the time to go for?

Chuck – ( Getting impatient ) Nope.

Rand – Aw, Chuck! Come on! You need to live it. Look at me, man. I’m having the time of my life! I’m young, and you’re only young once… or so they tell me. ( Spins with arms outstretched ) I want it all!

( In the midst of his spinning, Rand knocks the books out of Chuck’s arms. He gives him an apologetic look, and bends to pick them up, stopping to examine a loose piece of paper )

Rand – Wow… this is really good artwork.

Chuck – ( Angrily snatching up the paper ) Gimme that.

Rand – I’ve heard that you’re a good artist and all, but that’s really fantastic! Hey, I hear the yearbook crew is looking for artists. Ever thought of looking them up?

Chuck – No thanks, man. I got more important things to do. Vanna has a vowel with my name on it. See ‘ya.

( Chuck exits, leaving Rand alone. Rand pauses for a moment, then exits the opposite wing )

( Fade to black. Lights up on Stacy, sitting at the group work table, occupied with her books. Enter Rand )

Rand – Lucy, I’m ho-ome.

Stacy – ( Annoyed ) Park it, Desi. You’re fifteeen minutes early.

Rand – ( Taking out a sandwich from his lunch bag ) Ahh, man am I starving.

Stacy – ( Covering her nose in disgust ) Aaackk! WHAT is THAT?!

Rand – It’s my lunch.

Stacy – It reeks! What’s in that thing – raw sewage ?!

Rand – No, my dahling. MMM-mmm. This is savoury tuna tinted with garlic butter, simulated anchovy seasoning and ketchup, countered with a sprinkling of ground potato chips.

Stacy – AAAAAhhhh!! That’s rancid! I think I’m going to be sick!

Rand – Don’t watch if you don’t like it. ( He takes a huge bite ) So what are you working on?

( Silence )

Stacy? What am I, the Invisible Man?

Stacy – I wish.

Rand – What’s the matter?

( Silence )

Stacy. what’d I do to offend you? If you could just…

Stacy – I don’t want to talk to you. You are foul and disgusting.

Rand – Sorry. I’ll eat my lunch some other time.

Stacy – Look, just eat you sandwich and leave me alone. I have nothing to say to you.

(note: the following chunk was redacted in my copy of the script)

Rand – Yeah, me or anyone else.

Stacy – What’s that supposed to mean?

Rand – Nothing. Just an observation.

Stacy – Enlighten me.

Rand – Well, I just happened to notice that you have an abundance of friends.

Stacy – I do?

Rand – An elite group whom I’ve seen you with many times. Why don’t you ever introduce me to them?

Stacy – Who are you talking about?
Rand – ( Thumbing through her books ) Why, these guys of course. Let’s see…. we’ve got Hector History and Marty Mathematics and Senorita Sociology.

Stacy – I don’t get what you’re trying to say. Hmmm… ( Goes back to books )

(note: the following chunk was redacted in my copy of the script)

Rand – Well… tell me what you’re working on.

Stacy – It’s an Independant Study for English.

Rand – Mr. Pearson’s class?

Stacy – No, Mrs. Hall’s.

Rand – I have Mrs. Hall. Wasn’t that an optional group assignment?

Stacy – Yeah.

Rand – So why are you doing it alone?

Stacy – `Cause I opted not to be in a group, okay?

Rand – How come?

Stacy – If you must know, nobody asked me.

Rand – And why do you think that happened?

Stacy – Well… I don’t know. People don’t like me, I guess.

Rand – ( Arms up and crossed ) Wrong. Try again, Janet. Why don’t people ask you to be in their group?

Stacy – ( Thinking pause ) Well, because… I guess they always see me working by myself and figure I don’t want to work with them.

Rand – Are you okay with that?

Stacy – Suits me fine.

Rand – Stacy, how can you live like that? People are what makes the world go `round, not books. Sure, studying and working your butt off will get you really far academically, but there’s also a social aspect you have to work in there. If you have an uneven balance, your life has this big hole in it.

Stacy – Are you quite finished with your little lecture?

Rand – I guess.

Stacy – Good. ( Dives back into her book )

( Rob enters )

Rob – Um… good afternoon.

( Silence )

Rob – Is something wrong?

Rand – ( Looks at Stacy, who ignores him ) No, Sugar. You wanna grab some lunch before class starts?

Stacy – You’d better bring a bucket.

Rand – Let’s go.

( Short scene change as table, chairs, and Stacy are dragged into the right wing. Opt: Scenes can be played to the extreme right and left sides of stage to imply change of location )

Rob – What went on in there?

Rand – Aw, nuthin’. I was just talking to Miss Congeniality in there.

Rob – Oh? About what?

(note: the following chunk was redacted in my copy of the script)

Rand – Just a bit of philosophy and a little life lesson.

Rob – A lecture?

Rand – No, not a lecture… okay, yeah. A lecture.

Rob – So what’d you tell her?

Rand – I just told her that it might give her more depth of character if she were a little less…

Rob – Frigid?

Rand – No, unsociable.

Rob – It didn’t look like she took your little tip well.

Rand – I was just trying to help, that’s all.

Rob – And what makes you the expert?

Rand – I don’t know. A few nights ago, I was hanging around at home, thinking about all my routines. You know – get up, go to school, come home, eat supper, watch T.V., play parcheesi, go to bed – and I go to thinking how pointless it all was. I had a sort of a… revelation. I realized that there’s more to life than routines interupted by the occasional outing. I mean, why can’t life be an outing?

Rob – Sure, why not? I’ve noticed the same things, Rand.

Rand – You have?

Rob – Yep. Only my problem is that I have trouble applying them.

Rand – Rob?
Rob – Yeah?

Rand – Do you mind if I share some of my thoughts with you?

Rob – Of course. Why wouldn’t I?

Rand – Well, it didn’t go so well with Stacy… OR Chuck, for that matter.

Rob – You talked to Chuck, too?

Rand – Yeah.

Rob – What did he think?

Rand – It’s hard to tell. It’s not easy to get through to people.

Rob – Well, if you’ll allow me to give YOU some suggestions… I think that if you talk to people with the intent to change them, you’ll almost always fail. But if you stick with them and gradually make your points known, you have a far better chance of influencing them, although I definitely think your ideas have merit.

Rob – Thanks.

Rob – So what advice do you have of offer me?

Rand – ( Sighing ) Okay, here it is. You seem to be a person who is always walking backwards.

Rob – Huh?

Rand – Well, instead of looking ahead and meeting things head on, you dwell on the memories of things that went well.

Rob – I’m with you so far.

Rand – Well, my point is that if you stay in the memories of things past, you leave no room to create new memories. You can’t move forward because there’s nothing there to move you forward. There’s no promise of something new and better.

Rob – I think I see what you mean. Thanks a lot, Rand. You’re a really interesting guy to talk to.

Rand – No problem. Will you think about the things I said?

Rob – Of course. And you, likewise?

Rand – For sure. Let’s go back into that house of happiness, shall we?

Rob – Gladly.

( They exit, and furniture is brought back on. At that moment, the music cue sounds and the 900 nude dancing girls of Chicago’s Morningside Strip come gallanting onto the stage wearing sequined pasties and really big hats as the 200 members of the Vienna Boys Choir all begin drooling and simultaneously warp through puberty to the inner age of twenty-three to the tune of “Don’t Do Cartwheels on my Tongue” performed by the Cleveland Orchestra with Stinky ‘The Cheese’ Bindlehurd on electric smacklebean and metallic Siberian foo. )

( Opt: One extra chair at the table and a Kleenex box to simulate time lapse )

Stacy – ( Looking up from her books, with Chuck sitting across from her ) Where have you two been? I’ll have you know that while you were gallavanting around the halls doing God-knows-What, I was dilligently working on the assignment. Now I don’t need an excuse from Mr. Diggs, because I KNOW he’s a waste of my time, but you, Miss Kilner, should have no excuse. What have you got to say for yourself?

( Extremely long pause – and I stress the pause – as Roberta looks from Stacy to Rand and back, trying to decide how to counter this onslaught. Finally, she smiles and throws up her arms )


( Fade to Black. Lights up in Rand’s room, where he sits alone )

Rand – Man, what a day. It’s not easy living life. It takes a lot out of you. ( Pause ) But you get a lot back.

(note: the following chunk was redacted in my copy of the script)

I don’t see how Chuck can keep it up. He’s got all this potential to be an active artist, but he needs the drive to do it. And I’ll remind myself never to rap with Stacy again if it means my throat.

I guess Roberta’s right about all the things she said. before people can change, they have to want to change. This gang seems to be at a standstill. And that theme ! It’s so depressing ! Time Flies? you might as well call it “Impending Doom” and invite the Grim Reaper to the prom. But I have to stay out of it. It’s like Rob said, I can’t go shoving opinions down people’s throats. Ah, well. Grin and bear it. Tomorrow will prove to be quite the interesting day.

( Fade to black. Lights up on the workroom, where Stacy, Chuck and Roberta sit at the table. Rob and Chuck study a plan for the theme )

Stacy – ( Checking her watch ) Well surprise, surprise. It’s quarter after and our dear Mr. Diggs still isn’t here.

Rob – Do you really think we should be starting without him, Miss?

Stacy – I think we should be doing his whole assignment without him.

Chuck – ( Aside to Rob ) Who put salsa on HER cornflakes?

Rob – Yeah, Stacy. What do you have against Rand, anyway?
Stacy – Do you want the summarized list or the paperback novel?

Rob – I’m serious.

Stacy – Oh, and I’m not? You wouldn’t believe the things he was saying to me. He had the nerve to tell me that I have no friends and that I need to be more sociable!

Chuck – Gee, what a concept.

Rob – So what’s wrong with that?

Stacy – I prefer to keep my own head. I don’t go shooting my mouth off at people, do I?

( Chuck and Rob shift uncomfortably in their seats, trying to avoid the obvious answer )

Stacy – Well so what if I do. It’s called leadership skills. I’m not half as bad as that free-thinking hippie.

Rob – He was just trying to help.

Stacy – Well why’d he have to pick on me?

Rob – He didn’t. He picked on all of us… politely, though. I found he had some helpful things to say.

(note: the following chunk was redacted in my copy of the script)

He told me I’m living in the past. He said I need to live life in the now to create memories for the future. I have to make this moment count.

Chuck – Well are you?

Rob – Sure.

When I’m given good advice, I act on it. That’s a lesson you could stand to learn, Stacy. So how `bout it?

Stacy – What?

Rob – I’m going to throw a Hitchcock film festival tonight. Wanna join me?

Stacy – I’ve got studying.

Rob – Forget studying.

Stacy – Yeah, after all ( Sarcastically, like Brainy Smurf Opt: Big white diaper ) Randolph Diggs always says…

Rob – No, not Rand. I’M asking you. When you graduate, what are you going to remember most about school? That great math league contest you wrote back in grade nine? The science project in grade eleven? Or the time you went to the Christmas dance and totally lost your mind?

Stacy – I’ve never lost my mind.

Rob – Exactly.

Stacy – ( After one of those really long pauses ) Alight, I’ll think about it.

Chuck – The guy does have some good points. He said I should hook up with the yearbook art staff. I thought it was lame at first, but I submitted one of my drawings and they said it’s good enough to make the cover! Now I actually have something to do with my time.

Rob – Speaking of time, we’d better get to work on the assignment.

Chuck – Yeah. Let’s brainstorm everything that can be incorporated into our theme.

Stacy – Time Flies… ( They all sit and think. Long pause )

Rob – Time flies…

Stacy – Sounds kinda depressing, doesn’t it?

Chuck – How do you mean?

Stacy – Well it’s like, “Highschool is Over – Prepare to Meet Thy Maker”. It doesn’t really give promise of anything.

Rob – I see what you mean. It’ll make the graduates all feel more nervous about leaving for college or whatever.

Chuck – Agreed. Let’s scrap it.

Stacy – Right. But what are we going to put in its place? We don’t have a lot of time left.

Rob – Sure we do ! Haven’t you been listening to what Rand’s been saying? We’ve got loads of time left. We’ve got time on our hands to live our lives. We have decades left to conquer.

Chuck – If a chapter in our lives is over, we just have to turn to chapter two.

Stacy – I see what you’re saying. We can keep our clock idea and everything else we came up with…

Rob – It’s just a more optimistic view of it!

Chuck – We’d better get started. I’ve got a clock to paint.

( Lights dim on the table as group continues to excitedly discuss the project. Rand appears from behind a curtain )

Rand – Yessss!! Life is great! They actually listened to me! But more importantly, they figured a lot of it out on their own! How could things be any better? …But wait… there are many more lost souls out there to be conquered. I must forage boldly through time, to recapture the existence of those lost souls, to courageously slay the dragon of fate, to boldly go where no trooper has gone before… ( Calling triumphantly ) Carpe Diem – Sieze the Day!!! ( Pause. He looks at audience ) What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen Dead Poets before? ( Fade to black )

Ryan of Today Says…

Uggggggggggggh. It hurts. It hurts sooooooo bad. This is the kind of aching, embarrassing pain that only a suitcase full of your old writing can deliver.

Breakfast Club, starring a supremely egotistical and casually sexist kid who thinks he’s Mork from Ork, with such wacky antics as scuba diving on dry land and snorting Jell-O (stolen directly from Better Off Dead, though i don’t think i realized it at the time)

i probably wrote the Revelation of Randolph Diggs in 11th grade, for my Performing Arts class. As i was transcribing it, i thought “thank God we never actually performed this turd.” But then i thought a little harder, and i vaguely remember hastily throwing together a scuba mask as part of my costume.

Ugh. Ugh – YUCK. i’m sorry for this. i wish i could go back in time and slap my younger self in the mouth.